Know Your Audience, Adapt Accordingly

It's always good when you learn something about yourself and, whether it's good or bad, you're able to accept it.

I don't know if this applies to everyone but, for me, there are two ways to talk to people.

1) You can get straight to the point. Give it to them straight, no chaser. Say what you want to say, being as blunt as possible. It's almost as if the reaction of the other person means nothing to you. If they get sad or angry, it doesn't matter because at least you know there is no confusion about what you wanted to say.

Or...

2) You can sugar coat your conversation. You break it down to the barest of minimums, making sure not to use words that would insinuate you placing blame/pointing fingers. You take your time, speaking slowly and softly. You say things like "I don't want you to take this the wrong way" or "I'm not saying you mean to do this, it just comes off like this" and "Sometimes when you say this it makes me feel that".

For as long as I can remember, I have been the type #2 person. I'm extremely non-confrontational and I hate arguing (especially with someone who is the opposite and more like #1). I try to practice "treat others the way you want to be treated" but damn if it's not hard to do, especially when the other person is raising their voice and becoming what you deem to be extra excited. I want to think that if I use a calm voice, and continue doing so, eventually the other person will match my tone and calm down. It's a struggle though because you don't want to be seen as weak, or as a doormat for someone to walk over.

When emotions are high, it's much easier to match anger with anger. I'm starting to think it's easier for the angry person to match the calm person, than it is for both persons to begin and remain calm. I like to think that I'm taking the high road and challenging myself when I restrain from matching anger with anger. However, sometimes I just want to scream and yell and say things I know will hurt deep down. I mean, what's the point in sparing someone else's feelings when it's as if they don't even think about doing the same for you? Why shouldn't you talk down to someone, when they're talking at you and not to you? When it's clear that the other person isn't listening, why should you continue to be mindful of what you say? They're not going to hear you anyway, right? That gives you the green light to let loose and let the words flow, right?

I had a conversation today and after it was over, I came to an understanding about myself. I think it may be more important to know your audience and adapt how you deliver your message than it is to have one set way of talking to someone. I'm learning that there are some people who need you to just spit it out. They may not like what you have to say but, at least you won't have to also worry about adding frustration and confusion. What's worse: having someone be mad at what you said or having someone be mad at what you said, frustrated at waiting for you to say it, and then confused as hell when you finally get to your point? I think it's safe to say it's better to have one negative emotion than several...

Now, this is not to say that I'm going to go hard core and develop a cold and empty spirit, blocking out all feelings and doing all I can to hurt someone else's felings. I just think I need to get more of a backbone and stand up for myself. I'm entitled to my opinions and I don't think it bodes well if get upset when someone thinks differently about them. We're all human, and we're all different (thank God b/c I don't think I want to meet someone just like me!). There are going to be times where folks aren't going to like what I have to say. And the opposite can be said. I know I'm not going to always like what folks have to say to/about me. But, in the end, I'd rather be known as someone who was real and honest and I'm always appreciative of people who can tell me when my ish stinks!

Today, I learned that if you're dealing with a type #1, it's better to just say what you need to say and keep it moving. This coming after having a conversation that lasted an hour and at times, I couldn't remember how we got to what we were arguing about. I probably could have saved both of us 30 minutes and a host of emotions had I just said what was on my mind, instead of bringing up things that happened/didn't happen months ago. It would have been better to have just said what happened and focussed more of my time and energy on addressing what could be done now about it. Oh well, you live and learn. Such is life.

So, going forward, I'll be making a better effort to know the type of person I'm talking to, and delivering the message appropriately.