Quality...

Anything Worth Having (and other random thoughts)

2008-10-13T00:21:00.003-04:00

I know what it's like to be lonely when you're not alone.

Sometimes, things have to really get worse before they get better.

I think a crucial step was missed out on by not living on my own.

I think at 28, I've finally accepted who I am...and I don't feel bad about it.

I wonder if sometimes my expectations are simply too high and I'm living in a dream world. But then I remember that God wouldn't allow me to dream it if it weren't possible. My God is most capable.

Today in church I learned that sometimes, a response or comment from me is not needed and that it's okay to sometimes just remain quiet.

If I had the power to solve all of my problems, would I want to?

I write when it's in my best interest to not to be vocal.

It's so hard being the bigger person, when everyone once in a while, you want to let the "old" you come out.

When you've both said hurtful things, you apologize but the other person doesn't, do you then regret your apology? Ever wish you could take it back? Does that then mean your apology wasn't genuine in the first place? Does it just mean you've grown more and did the right thing?

It's hard taking the brunt of your loved one's growing pains. I have to pray for strength b/c this is bigger than me and if I try to do this "my" way, it'll hurt much more.

Two imperfect people trying to become one.

People claim that they "live each day like it's their last" but, do we really follow this? What I find so sad is that a lot of times, the people who have lost a loved one, are the very ones who take their "living" relationships/friendships for granted. You better wake up and realize that tomorrow is not promised. If you did something wrong, don't wait until the next day to apologize. If you love someone, don't wait until the next day to tell them. If you need to change something about yourself, don't wait until the next day to let that change be seen. What if you don't wake up? What if that loved one doesn't wake up? Then how will you feel. I don't mean to sound so morbid but, life is short...that's real. It frustrates me to no end when I see people thinking they have another day to get it right. It's even more of a struggle when I'm trying to "practice what I preach", I'm trying to say enough with the petty ish, but when that loved one doesn't seem to get it, you start to think it's pointless and futile. It's the constant struggle between taking the higher road or the lower road.

Up and down....good days and bad days... It's all so very draining. Every day, we wake up and make a choice. We choose how we're going to live through the day. Every waking moment of our lives, we determine how we let the actions affect us. This is not to say that bad times won't come. But, we don't have to let the bad vibes spill over into and over power our souls, our relationships, our spirit. Take advantage of being able to make the choice while you still can. It would be so unfortunate if you purposefully chose to stay down, thinking you could get it right tomorrow, only to find out that opportunity isn't an option.

Be careful not to stay down too long. You run the risk of ending up alone when you do finally decide to resuscitate your life.

Wish We Could Go Back

2008-10-01T21:28:00.004-04:00

Remember wanting me so much
I used to tingle from your touch
and I'd wait for you to come home
You're sittin right beside the phone
and there was nothing else but you
and who could separate us two
I'd never know when we got lost
but now I'm counting up the calls

I wish we could go back (to love less complicated)
I wish we could go back (ready to prove our love when they said we couldn't make it)
Please tell me you miss that (that new love, that crazy love)
Cuz I wanna go back
I know it's possible tell me you feel it too

We barely talk, we barely smile
No hint of what we used to be
No courtesy and no romance
Not too much left of you and me
But it's not too late I believe
But baby we can get it back
Cuz life's too short for us to let
What we had die and just forget

I wish we could go back (to love less complicated)
I wish we could go back (ready to prove our love when they said we couldn't make it)
Please tell me you miss that (that new love, that crazy love)
Cuz I wanna go back
I know it's possible tell me you feel it too

~ Vivan Green - Wish We Could Go Back ~

I don't think I ever truly listened to the lyrics to this song until now. Is it ever really a good idea to want to go back to a past state? To think about how things were during those beginning days of dating, it sure does sound tempting, especially during the not so easy times of a relationship.

When you first started dating, you were so concerned with the other person's well being. You often went out of your way, above and beyond, to impress the other person. Nothing was too good for your baby. In fact, it often felt like nothing was ever good enough, causing you to find ways to outdo yourself the next time, and the next time, and the next time. An enormous amount of time and energy was invested in pleasing the other person, often at the expense of your own desires. But that didn't matter then, b/c seeing that other person happy made you happy. It pleased you to be able to please them. But, after some time, comfort comes knocking on your door, ready to take up residence. And, as we all know, comfort does not always know how to be a good house guest.

As with all aspects of life, once you get comfortable, certain things change. Things you used to do, you don't do anymore. There isn't enough time... It's a waste of money... It's just not important...anymore. It's here where daydreams are cultivated of the way things used to be.

One thing I've been blessed to experience is growth. During the difficult times, it's so easy to just say "kick rocks" and walk away. But, it is when we go through the fire, enduring the pain, that allows us to come out much stronger than before. Peter Marshall said God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessing can come out of the difficulty. Wanting to go back to how things were, prior to learning and growing, means that you go back to the weaker, less knowledgeable version of yourself. Even though it seems like a good idea to go back, I think I'd rather take my chances and look forward.

Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

Know Your Audience, Adapt Accordingly

2008-05-29T14:22:00.009-04:00

It's always good when you learn something about yourself and, whether it's good or bad, you're able to accept it.

I don't know if this applies to everyone but, for me, there are two ways to talk to people.

1) You can get straight to the point. Give it to them straight, no chaser. Say what you want to say, being as blunt as possible. It's almost as if the reaction of the other person means nothing to you. If they get sad or angry, it doesn't matter because at least you know there is no confusion about what you wanted to say.

Or...

2) You can sugar coat your conversation. You break it down to the barest of minimums, making sure not to use words that would insinuate you placing blame/pointing fingers. You take your time, speaking slowly and softly. You say things like "I don't want you to take this the wrong way" or "I'm not saying you mean to do this, it just comes off like this" and "Sometimes when you say this it makes me feel that".

For as long as I can remember, I have been the type #2 person. I'm extremely non-confrontational and I hate arguing (especially with someone who is the opposite and more like #1). I try to practice "treat others the way you want to be treated" but damn if it's not hard to do, especially when the other person is raising their voice and becoming what you deem to be extra excited. I want to think that if I use a calm voice, and continue doing so, eventually the other person will match my tone and calm down. It's a struggle though because you don't want to be seen as weak, or as a doormat for someone to walk over.

When emotions are high, it's much easier to match anger with anger. I'm starting to think it's easier for the angry person to match the calm person, than it is for both persons to begin and remain calm. I like to think that I'm taking the high road and challenging myself when I restrain from matching anger with anger. However, sometimes I just want to scream and yell and say things I know will hurt deep down. I mean, what's the point in sparing someone else's feelings when it's as if they don't even think about doing the same for you? Why shouldn't you talk down to someone, when they're talking at you and not to you? When it's clear that the other person isn't listening, why should you continue to be mindful of what you say? They're not going to hear you anyway, right? That gives you the green light to let loose and let the words flow, right?

I had a conversation today and after it was over, I came to an understanding about myself. I think it may be more important to know your audience and adapt how you deliver your message than it is to have one set way of talking to someone. I'm learning that there are some people who need you to just spit it out. They may not like what you have to say but, at least you won't have to also worry about adding frustration and confusion. What's worse: having someone be mad at what you said or having someone be mad at what you said, frustrated at waiting for you to say it, and then confused as hell when you finally get to your point? I think it's safe to say it's better to have one negative emotion than several...

Now, this is not to say that I'm going to go hard core and develop a cold and empty spirit, blocking out all feelings and doing all I can to hurt someone else's felings. I just think I need to get more of a backbone and stand up for myself. I'm entitled to my opinions and I don't think it bodes well if get upset when someone thinks differently about them. We're all human, and we're all different (thank God b/c I don't think I want to meet someone just like me!). There are going to be times where folks aren't going to like what I have to say. And the opposite can be said. I know I'm not going to always like what folks have to say to/about me. But, in the end, I'd rather be known as someone who was real and honest and I'm always appreciative of people who can tell me when my ish stinks!

Today, I learned that if you're dealing with a type #1, it's better to just say what you need to say and keep it moving. This coming after having a conversation that lasted an hour and at times, I couldn't remember how we got to what we were arguing about. I probably could have saved both of us 30 minutes and a host of emotions had I just said what was on my mind, instead of bringing up things that happened/didn't happen months ago. It would have been better to have just said what happened and focussed more of my time and energy on addressing what could be done now about it. Oh well, you live and learn. Such is life.

So, going forward, I'll be making a better effort to know the type of person I'm talking to, and delivering the message appropriately.

Random Thoughts 2/21/08

2008-02-21T10:18:00.002-05:00

I am so bored right now. It doesn't make any sense. I guess that's a sign that I need to write something. Only thing is, I have a bunch of random thoughts in my head right now. This is going to be all over the place...

I am so unorganized and out of it right now. Stuff is everywhere in the bedroom. I need to buy a new hamper, since DH destroyed the other one. I also need a new storage bin to hold some of my personal items (hair, make-up, etc.). I honestly need an entire day off just to clean up and get organized. I have items that need to make their way to the cleaners, and others that need to see the garbage! I am in need of a complete wardrobe overhaul. It's taken me 27, almost 28 yrs to realize that I dress so homely. I need to ditch all of these long skirts that I have (or at least get them cut and hemmed into shorter skirts). I hope DH is prepared for some weekly shopping excursions!

There are some strange people on my side of the office. Some of them speak to me, some of them don't. It's weird. One guy, I swear he's racist. Everytime I walk by him he's quick to look down or away. And I noticed that his pace increases too. I mean really? What does he think I'm going to do? I dunno. Maybe he feels like I don't belong here. Who knows. I keep saying one of these days I'm going to say something to him in a loud voice. Let's see if he responds then! And you know, it's not just him. The majority of people on this floor do not speak to me. It's a very "cold" environment. Totally not my style. And for the ones that do speak, it's barely above a whisper, like they're afraid to even be seen speaking to someone not in their "circle". Strangeness indeed.

Yesterday, it was so cold in this office. It was only in the high 30s outside and I swear it was warmer out there! I had to put my laptop on my lap, just to stay warm. Today I came prepared. I'm wearing my Under Armour cold gear pants underneath my skirt! Yeah I'm warm but this definitely isn't a "fabulous" look!

And speaking of fabulousness, is it possible to "develop" a sense of fabulousness or is one just simply born that way? I feel like I have little to no sense of style and that is something I truly want to change. But, I want to be able to change it on my own (and not have to bug my friends all of the time for help).

I've been having the hardest time getting into a routine of working out (and liking it). In the past, it's usually taken a few weeks before I'm in that "zone". I was doing fine last week...working out 3 days in a row. Then, all of a sudden, it stopped. I don't know what happened. And now, it feels even harder to start back up. I did finally turn in the form to get access to the gym here at the office. Once I have access, I'm going to try to at least get down there for 30 min a day. I really want to start running again. However, I don't want to run in the cold, and I don't want to wait until it warms up to start getting in shape. Today, when I get home, I'm also going to pay to use the rec center that's 2 min from the house. There is hardly any room to get anything done at home so this is the next best thing. We'll be moving in a few months so I'm just going to pay for 3 months. $55 for 3 months is pretty good, considering I just need space to jump rope and maybe use an elliptical.

And why is that whenever I even start thinking about working out and getting in shape, I start craving all kinds of bad food? Like right now, I want some Chinese food!

Well, I've managed to get through 2 hours here. 6 more to go. It's too cold outside to walk around. I guess I'll preview some new music. Hopefully that will help. If not, I'll be back to jot down more random thoughts.

What's Good For The Evening?

2008-02-07T20:35:00.000-05:00

8:35pm on a Thursday night. Sitting here listening to Eric Roberson's Left album, watching Sixteen Candles on mute, with flexi rollers in my hair (I know, real sexy!). I think this is what's missing in my life right now. Just sitting back listening to good music. Speaking of good music, what happened to it? I guess that's a topic for another post.
DH isn't home from work yet. I have this feeling that he's not going to be in a good mood when he comes home. For starters, I know he's in some pain with his neck and back...still stemming from the car accident. Secondly, this is day 2 of working late in pain, so that just adds to it. I'm sure when he comes home he'll just want to go to bed. I sure will be glad when the pain is gone and he can get back to being his happy self.

Ever have one of those nights, where you just want to make a drink and throw on a 90s, black movie? That's how I'm feeling tonight. I feel like experimenting with some butterscotch schnaaps and throwing in Love Jones. I can watch that movie over and over again. That was the very first DVD I ever purchased! It's just something about that movie that I love. Brown Sugar has become a more recent favorite movie. Who knows, maybe I'll watch both tonight. Depends on DH's mood though. Gotta make sure I take care of him first.

I miss my girlfriends. I feel so bad that I don't see them as much as I want. Work is crazy. I feel like I never know what time I'm leaving each evening, which makes it hard to plan anything after work. I need to work on that. Got to make some changes. I think tomorrow I'll call one of my girls and get together for lunch or something. I'm also really bad when it comes to keeping in touch the old fashion way. I've gotten so hooked on email and instant messaging. I use those methods more than phone and in-person visits. I think it's important to pick up the phone more often, instead of turning on the computer and sending an email. With so many friends, it should be easy to call one each day. Hell, I used to stay on the phone when I was a teenager!

Well, let me go ahead and figure out what tonight's drink will be. A buttery nipple is sounding really good right now!

Cookies

2008-01-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

The holidays are over. My first Christmas and New Year's as a married lady were fun. I got the chance to see family again, eat some good food, and just relax (not to mention, I got some nice gifts too...loving the iPod Touch!). Growing up, we didn't really have any "traditions" when it came to family and the holidays. Every year, dinner was held at someone else's home. We didn't always meet up at grandma's, like how some people do it and how it's done in the movies. I told myself that when I got married, I could use that time to create my own traditions. Now, since DH and don't have any children yet, I'm sorta limited in what traditions I can begin to create (I don't think DH wants to make a gingerbread house with me). I did tell him that I wanted our home to be decorated on 12/1. Since the holidays go by so fast, I want to enjoy the tree, lights, and other decorations for as long as possible. I usually leave the decorations up until shortly after the first of the new year.
DH had to work on 12/1 and stay in a hotel that night so he could be there to work on 12/2 as well. I wasn't upset about him not being there. I was too excited about finally getting out the Christmas decorations. I woke up early to make my rounds to various stores in search of decorations and other little touches for the house. When I finally got home, I started to clean up a little. Didn't want to have a mess on top of another mess while I was trimming the tree. I was totally in the element. I had Christmas movies playing, music for when I needed to hear some old school Christmas soul classics, and decorations all over the place. I ended up needing more lights so I got in the car to quickly grab some. During that time, DH called me. I stopped to the gas station while we were chatting. I figured he was off from work and in search of something to eat for dinner. I don't really remember the exact order of events but at some point, he said something to me while I was outside pumping gas. Whatever he said clearly indicated that he saw me. Next thing I know, DH pulls up at the gas station. He works in DC and we live in MD. I had no idea he was on the way to the house. Turns out, he wanted to make sure he was around to help with the decorations and the tree...for our first Christmas. I was totally surprised, and touched at the same time. I was going to save the star for him regardless. Having him there that night just made it all the more special.
So anyway, I told DH that on Christmas Eve, I wanted us to spend the evening watching movies, eating cookies, and drinking some of his "special" egg nog. I was so prepared to make the cookies that night. I bought different varieties of chocolate chips (peanut butter, white chocolate, caramel swirl). However, I was forced to deviate from my original plans to make a bunch of different cookies. You see, it turns out that other people like to make cookies for the holidays. Not only do other folks like to make cookies but, they like to "give" cookies as well! DH's co-worker's wife gave us this huge bucket, filled with cookies and other sweet treats. Then, we also received another bucket of cookies from DH's best friend's mom (not to mention a box of home made lemon bars and a bag of peanut butter cookies just for me). Now, who can say no to a gift of cookies? I was still determined to make my own cookies, as a part of my newly started tradition of cookies, movies, and nog on Christmas Eve, so in the kitchen I went. The evening was enjoyable. We watched Elf b/c I had never seen it. Well, it more like I watched Elf b/c DH fell asleep during the movie. I had my cookies, my nog, my movie, and my DH. It was a very memorable first Christmas Eve as a married woman.

Fast forward to present day...

In case you're wondering, it is January 6, 2008 and we are still eating cookies!!! I think I may have to find a way to get rid of them b/c this is not helping me with my mission to get in shape!!! If anyone wants some cookies, holla!